Touching bottom.

the floor smll

“You gotta touch the bottom before you can come back up”

*This post is dedicated to a dear friend who suffered a devastating loss yesterday. My heart breaks for you and what your family must be feeling. Love you gnomie.

Happy days.

happy daze

 

I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up lately, confusing brutality with beauty. But the real beauty is that sometimes happiness happens to you, whether you went looking for it or not.¬†Charlie Chaplin said: “Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.” And I admit, I was a junkie. It’s too easy to believe that things will never get better and it’s safer just to stay sad, but Charlie also says: “Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.” When the heavy feeling suddenly passes it’s kinda difficult to remember what was really holding you down. Just trust me, wait it out.

It’s okay.

itsokaysml

It’s no secret that I’ve had a pretty rough time lately, and that I haven’t always handled it with poise and grace. But through it all I’ve figured out that pain demands to be felt, and you have to prepare for that. People who suffer from depression often feel guilty for feeling the way they do, which is a seriously destructive vicious circle. Friends and loved ones don’t always understand, and sometimes you trust the wrong people, which could leave you feeling devastated and very lonely. So here’s a bunch of stuff you don’t have to feel guilty about. If you haven’t gotten out of bed in a day, think of me in the ladies’ room stuffing my face with chocolates from my handbag, and know that you’re not alone. If you ease up on yourself, I promise you, you’ll be up and in your underwear in no time! And one day I might even be able to leave the house without a pedophile’s supply of candy… Definitely not today! But maybe tomorrow.

James Arthur’s single, Recovery, has become a source of strength for me and I would like to share it in the hope that if you’re feeling like shit as well, it will empower you as it has me. Just remember, someone somewhere is crying with you… And it’s probably me! ūüėČ

 

 

Mourning.

sabbath&me.shane1

Today’s doodle is by¬†Shan√© Mc Mahon, an awesome friend and super talented artist/photographer, who took it upon herself to draw these beautiful works of me and my baby. You can check her other work at¬†www.killerlambkreations.co.za or follow her on Twitter,¬†@KILLER_LAMB, or Instagram,¬†¬†@killer_lamb. Thank you for making something so beautiful from the pieces of my broken heart, I cannot express how much it means to me, love you lady!

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. My life was interrupted¬†by the loss of my most loyal friend, my beautiful black cat, Sabbath. I would like to dedicate this post to her, and to all the kind souls who reached out to help me when I was too devastated to function.

I had rescued Sabbath from a home were she had been badly neglected about 7 years ago. She was underfed, full of sores and scared shitless. And so was I… I had loved the idea of having a cat, but suddenly this little thing that really needed me was looking up at my irresponsible face. I was all she had to depend on… and I kept thinking: “That’s not enough?!”

SABBATH

But as it is with love, she turned out to be the hero. She enriched my life in ways I never expected and could never hope to replace. She was a tiny, loud, opinionated little¬†bad ass, that never left my side. So when she didn’t come home that Sunday night I knew something was very wrong. The big search began on Monday. My roommate is an amazing woman, who put her own life on hold to help me. She ran out barefoot and braved gangsters in the search for Sabbath! Thanks Louise, I wouldn’t have been able to get off the kitchen floor without you. By Tuesday I was a wreck, and I started reaching out on social media. I posted her photo EVERYWHERE with the hash-tag¬†#searchingforSabbath¬†and the response blew me away.

Thanks to: @Donnidarko21, @SPCACharityShop, @gevaaalikdotcom, @VHaasbroek, @SnorCoty (you guys rock!), @RobForbesDJ, @TiffysPage, @PetBizUK, @friendz_feline, @WetnoseAnimal, @Volsdude77Renee, @Kikmi, @_horny_manatee, @SusanEacock, @EnigmaOffline, @Ch4llen, @AvddRenegade, @Hiro_ZA, @johnnyf1, @RuanHaHa, @b_dizzy and all the others!

There are too many Twitter users who responded/retweeted to mention, and if I’ve left you out, I am truly sorry. Every effort touched my heart, restored my faith in humanity and gave me the hope I so desperately needed. This experience has taught me that social media really can make a difference in one very small life.

On Facebook I found these pages & groups to be very helpful if, God forbid, you should ever lose your pet:

Lost and found CATS South Africa

Wetnose Animal Rescue Centre

SPCA Centurion

Missing Pets SA

Pretoria North Lost, found and rescued animals

Despite everyone’s valiant efforts I was told on Tuesday night that she had been killed by my neighbour’s dog the Sunday she went missing. I fell apart. I had lost my best friend. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t sleep. I had to stack books on the foot of the bed to simulate her presence at night. ¬†I was too sad to think. Too sad to even want to! But luckily I had someone to look after me, I squatted at Donovan’s house for weeks, too afraid to go home to an empty room. He kept me clean and fed until I was able to start mending. I struggle with depression, and losing Sabbath was a hurt I didn’t think I could survive, but with the right support, loads of love, and a lot of patience I was pulled back to life. I still cry at least once a day. But pain is unavoidable. The internet is full of cats, and I can’t hide from them, believe me, I tried.

Thanks for changing my life Sabbath, I love you very much.

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