Superwomen.

her vagina sized

I would like to start the new year with a special thank you to the women who held my head above water when I was drowning. 2015 wasn’t an easy year for me and I’m not the easiest person to get along with. Well honestly, I’m a horrible friend. I cancel dates last minute, I give home made gifts, I pretend I’m not home when someone “pops by”, I don’t answer the phone, it takes me days to reply to messages and I generally have a bitchy attitude. I also suffer from irrational anxiety, I’m suspicious of everyone and I seem to attract bad luck like flies to a corpse. And that’s when I’m in a good place.

I haven’t been in a good place. I’ve never had a circle of girl friends. I don’t drink wine, and I’m not a great listener, in actual fact I’m a bit of a chauvinist. But not having a BFF never bothered me. Probably, an only child thing, and most girls are untrustworthy lovers of gossip. Looking back I realise that I hit bottom last year, I was in denial at the time but it was probably quite obvious to the people I allowed close to me. Thanks to a few awesome women I survived – despite my very best efforts. They forgave my fickle behaviour, stuck by when I pushed them away and helped in meaningful big ways. Whether it was drying my tears, giving me money, feeding me, even Valentine’s gifts. They distracted me when I needed it, made me laugh when Corne and Twakkie would fail, and told me the harsh truths when I refused to participate in life. Y’all have been mothers, sisters, caretakers, psychologists and cheerleaders.

Baie dankie aan Mikke, Anika, Hanli, Loraine, Chantelle, Siske, Shane, Letitia and last but not least Michelle. Ek sou nie 2016 gesien het sonder julle mooi siele nie. Ek hoop ek kry die jaar kans om daar te wees vir julle, soos julle daar was vir my. Ek het elkeen van julle fokken klip hard lief!

When you are insane… Christmas may seem CRAZY

insane

And the holidays seem to amplify any insanity. Many people struggle with depression over the holidays, but if you’ve been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness things can get very dark very quickly. And all the jingles and the family movies and the faerie lights of Christmas gets to be too much, even so that spending time with family feels like a punishment. BUT it’s all in your head. Whether I believe it or not, my family loves me and spending time with them is healing, And if I’m not well, my family would WANT to help, it’s easy to feel like a burden or a Grinch. But just remember the happiness you felt Christmas morning when you were little, deep down Christmas makes humans feel good, you gotta let it to it’s magic though!  If you’re feeling a bit down before the big festivities here’s some helpful information to keep you chipper. If you don’t have anyone to open gifts with this year, don’t freak out either, I’ll be blogging throughout the holidays, tell ME all about it!

Naughty or nice?

being naughty

So maybe I won’t make it on to Santa’s list this year. I’m an only child, my parents beat his gifts 20 to 1 every year any way. Every family has issues, and Santa knows I can be difficult, but for all the shit that happened this year, it still comforts me to go home for Christmas. My mom cooks like she’s French and my dad knows how to spoil a kid! I hope you get to spend Christmas with excellent food and lots of love too.

*Quote by Laura Ingalls Wilder

All women are born evil.

all women

 

Don’t get mad at Chad, women and men alike believe his statement to be true. We’ve all heard girls say: “I don’t really get along with girls, I just prefer to hang out with boys.” And that’s usually why the other girls don’t like you by the way, but I digress. Arthur Schopenhauer (my most favourite thinker) wrote the following on the subject: “Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.” We should stop that… It would be a far reach to call me a feminist, but us girls need friends, evil or not.

A beautiful tribute.

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In a recent post I discussed how the loss of my pet cat and best friend affected me. I also shared that an incredibly talented friend of mine had started working on a tribute piece for me. I was having a tough night two days back and suddenly she surprised me with the finished product. I obviously cried my eyes out, but it was the good kind of cry. I never had the opportunity to bury my baby, and I finally have a sense of closure and remembrance that is worthy of what she meant to me.

Shané, you have been a blessing beyond my wildest expectations. I am truly touched by what you’ve done for me. Your spontaneous acts of kindness have brightened my life in such unexpected ways! And you’re a seriously talented lady, never stop making beautiful things! I am so proud to call you friend!

You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram to see her latest work.

Sharing.

nataniel1

 

No one hides their insecurities as well as they think they do. And normally people see right through the strange and crazy things people do to “seem normal”. But the truth is everyone feels what they’re feeling differently. Schopenhauer said: “…the difference in individualities is incalculably great.” Even if you can see right through someone’s act, no one knows what trauma caused that person to wear leopard print leggings, or why she cries in cat food ads. Kindness (or mercy!) is severely under valued in our society. With the rise of trolls, critics, blogs, discussion forums, and memes, we all think we have the right to judge what someone else has put out there. To ridicule or scoff at another user’s honesty is a trendy past time. But just because we don’t get it, doesn’t make it less meaningful to who ever’s experiencing it.

There is a kind side to social media. I have been berated for wearing my heart on my sleeve online many times. But to be honest, I’ve received sincere feedback when I’ve felt really alone, and a tweet was more like a desperate plea sent out in to the universe. Stephen Fry thanked his Twitter followers for their support after his suicide attempt in 2012 and on Facebook a friend saved the life of a suicidal teenager from the other side of the Atlantic! Status updates are supposed to be personal, Facebook itself asks me how I’m feeling?! It doesn’t ask: “What competition are you entering today?” Why aren’t we allowed to say I feel like shit? My advice is to keep your FRIENDS on Facebook, the people who really care. The rest just find your ups and downs amusing.

You can not possibly know what battle is raging on their side of the screen. Why not reach out instead? I have experienced the healing power of a few kind words first hand and it’s a bit like magic for a sad soul. Post pictures of your kid eating peas, lament over the asshole that broke your heart, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or connect with other people who cry when The Cure plays. Isn’t connecting what social media is all about? How can you connect if you’re not “sharing”?

Mourning.

sabbath&me.shane1

Today’s doodle is by Shané Mc Mahon, an awesome friend and super talented artist/photographer, who took it upon herself to draw these beautiful works of me and my baby. You can check her other work at www.killerlambkreations.co.za or follow her on Twitter, @KILLER_LAMB, or Instagram,  @killer_lamb. Thank you for making something so beautiful from the pieces of my broken heart, I cannot express how much it means to me, love you lady!

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. My life was interrupted by the loss of my most loyal friend, my beautiful black cat, Sabbath. I would like to dedicate this post to her, and to all the kind souls who reached out to help me when I was too devastated to function.

I had rescued Sabbath from a home were she had been badly neglected about 7 years ago. She was underfed, full of sores and scared shitless. And so was I… I had loved the idea of having a cat, but suddenly this little thing that really needed me was looking up at my irresponsible face. I was all she had to depend on… and I kept thinking: “That’s not enough?!”

SABBATH

But as it is with love, she turned out to be the hero. She enriched my life in ways I never expected and could never hope to replace. She was a tiny, loud, opinionated little bad ass, that never left my side. So when she didn’t come home that Sunday night I knew something was very wrong. The big search began on Monday. My roommate is an amazing woman, who put her own life on hold to help me. She ran out barefoot and braved gangsters in the search for Sabbath! Thanks Louise, I wouldn’t have been able to get off the kitchen floor without you. By Tuesday I was a wreck, and I started reaching out on social media. I posted her photo EVERYWHERE with the hash-tag #searchingforSabbath and the response blew me away.

Thanks to: @Donnidarko21@SPCACharityShop, @gevaaalikdotcom, @VHaasbroek, @SnorCoty (you guys rock!), @RobForbesDJ, @TiffysPage, @PetBizUK, @friendz_feline, @WetnoseAnimal, @Volsdude77Renee, @Kikmi, @_horny_manatee@SusanEacock, @EnigmaOffline, @Ch4llen, @AvddRenegade, @Hiro_ZA, @johnnyf1, @RuanHaHa, @b_dizzy and all the others!

There are too many Twitter users who responded/retweeted to mention, and if I’ve left you out, I am truly sorry. Every effort touched my heart, restored my faith in humanity and gave me the hope I so desperately needed. This experience has taught me that social media really can make a difference in one very small life.

On Facebook I found these pages & groups to be very helpful if, God forbid, you should ever lose your pet:

Lost and found CATS South Africa

Wetnose Animal Rescue Centre

SPCA Centurion

Missing Pets SA

Pretoria North Lost, found and rescued animals

Despite everyone’s valiant efforts I was told on Tuesday night that she had been killed by my neighbour’s dog the Sunday she went missing. I fell apart. I had lost my best friend. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t sleep. I had to stack books on the foot of the bed to simulate her presence at night.  I was too sad to think. Too sad to even want to! But luckily I had someone to look after me, I squatted at Donovan’s house for weeks, too afraid to go home to an empty room. He kept me clean and fed until I was able to start mending. I struggle with depression, and losing Sabbath was a hurt I didn’t think I could survive, but with the right support, loads of love, and a lot of patience I was pulled back to life. I still cry at least once a day. But pain is unavoidable. The internet is full of cats, and I can’t hide from them, believe me, I tried.

Thanks for changing my life Sabbath, I love you very much.

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Communication is key.

cats on fire

Unfortunately I wasn’t clever enough to come up with this expression myself, and I suck at remembering, so I don’t know where it comes from, but it stuck with me. And it reminded me of another something I heard somewhere; the greatest distance between two people is a misunderstanding. Which is so true, you should all write it down somewhere. I’ll wait…

It is impossible to maintain any relationship without clear communication, never mind trying to fix one! When things go unsaid between, friends, lovers or brothers, it makes the simplest of things seem like climbing out Fort Klapperkop. Try organising a nice get-together without being able to invite your best friend’s girlfriend because your girlfriend thinks she wants to fuck you, but really she just can’t stand the smell of the cat litter in your house, so she’s squinting, not winking, but she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or alienate herself by admitting she’s the only dog person, so she’s not saying anything to anyone either… …it’s exhausting just typing that shit.

And you’re laughing, because it’s ridiculous, right? Welcome to my life bro. But I am currently in a head space that has no room for sub text. So what I’m trying to say is, if you’ve had some issue with me, and I haven’t responded to it the way you would like, pick up the damn phone. (Okay, I never answer my phone, but you get the point.) Just be direct: “Hey bitch, what was up with that look you gave me at Park Acoustics?”. And the answer would probably be something quite innocent like, “Oh shit Sarah, didn’t even see you there, did you see what that hag behind you was calling a skirt?!” Or if you did rub me up the wrong way I have no issue with saying; “Of course, you stole my sunglasses you dumb whore.” But without proper communication life gets unnecessarily tricky. People start operating on their own misunderstandings and reality gets lost in the mess, and that’s how figuring out where to braai on which Saturday becomes the most difficult decision of your adult life. We’re young, let’s dance, drink, and discuss! Not text, team up and target.

Vir almal.

_1probeer.sml

 

Ek het gister met ‘n moerse skok besef dis volgende week al Oppikoppi! Ek is van nature ‘n benoude mensie wat bang is vir skare, harde geluide en nie graag drink nie, so Koppi is vir my maar stressvol. Tog het ek elke jaar die tyd van my lewe, en ek probeer myself net daarvan herinder. Want dis tog die lekker ding van Koppi, dis vir ALMAL. Dit maak nie saak of jy drink, rook, draf of dans nie, dis altyd ‘n jol! Of jou skoonpa skuins agter jou kamp en of jou ex sy nuwe girl bring, glo my, daar’s oor genoeg om jou besig te hou! Ek wil bietjie Koppi stories hoor, comment en hou my uit my werk uit, toe?

 

 

Maak die individu nou dood of verdwyn saam met my
Want ek sien min van ons wat hier bly lewe”